I find there is a beautiful, but sometimes scary and uneasy, space that begins to open up as the grip of the eating disorder finally begins to lessen. For so long, the eating disorder can feel like everything… its rules, its demands, its anxieties can become so intertwined with our sense of self that it can be hard to imagine who we are without it. It can begin to feel like it is our identity - it becomes the lens we see ourselves and our world through, and in so many ways, it’s our constant companion, however unwelcome it may have become.
And so, when our eating disorder self starts to weaken with all of our recovery work, and its voice starts to quiet, even just a little, and the behaviours begin to feel less rigid, it makes sense that we feel faced with a new and daunting question: “Who am I now?” This question can echo in the newfound space, a space that might feel both liberating and nerve-wrackingly empty at first. If so much of our energy, our thoughts, and our emotions were consumed and dictated by our eating disorder, then what fills this space, this vacuum, now?
I remember how daunting this experience felt. To me, it felt like being forced to leave a shed in the middle of a frozen and vast forest because my resources were running out, and venturing out into the vast woods hoping that I would stumble across a new place to call home, with the new things to survive that I would need, but with no guarantee that I would ever arrive, or be able to find my way back if I wanted to…. It was heartbreaking, and terrifying, and exhilarating all at the same time…. And this fear, and uncertainty, makes so much sense to me. If we've spent years, or decades, defining ourselves by our ability to adhere to certain rules, or by a particular body size, or by the perceived sense of control the eating disorder offered, then stepping away from that of course leaves a void. But, it’s a void that I find recovery, in its truest sense, invites us to fill, not just with the absence of our eating disorder, but with the presence of our truest selves. And I believe that this true self, this wise mind self, is present in each and every one of us, ready to be discovered, cultivated, tended to, grown up, strengthened, even if we developed our eating disorder as a child, before we can even remember a time without it. It’s the spark within you that resonates with websites such as mine.
And I believe that this is where the journey transforms - from recovering from something to recovering to something. That it’s an invitation, a gentle unfolding, into rediscovering, or discovering, the parts of ourselves that have been overshadowed for so long. A room made of pure gold, covered in inches of dust. And how we remove this dust, and gain a sense of ourselves without our eating disorder, as we move further and further into recovery, into a life without it, will look so different for everyone, and that’s part of why I love my work so much - getting to witness and be a part of this journey for so many incredible individuals, each walking such a similar, yet vastly unique, path into the unknown, that slowly becomes more and more known, their new beautiful homes. So much more than a shed of survival in the cold woods.
And, while how this journey unfolds will be different for everyone, below are some ideas you could explore, that I have found helpful on my own journey and use with clients today:
- Tune into Old Sparks: Can you remember any activities or interests that brought you a sense of joy or engagement before your eating disorder? I believe these can be whispers from our younger selves, a self that knew what lit us up…. It could be art, music, nature, writing, a particular subject…. And there’s no pressure to resurrect them fully, but try to explore them with curiosity, paying attention to how they make you feel.
- Follow Your Curiosity: What piques your interest now, however small? What do you feel drawn to, for some mysterious reason? A book you saw, a class someone mentioned, a skill you’ve wondered about…. Try to allow yourself to follow these threads of curiosity without any expectation of where they might lead. Try to let this be about the joy of the exploration itself, rather than about finding something new to be perfect at (I struggled with this a lot).
- Connect with Your True Values: As the values held by the eating disorder (such as control, thinness, discipline...) begin to fade, what true, heartfelt values emerge? Compassion? Connection? Creativity? Learning? Justice? Identifying these can act as a compass, guiding you towards activities and pursuits that feel meaningful in a deeper, more soul-satisfying way. If it feels easier to circle the ones that speak to you from a list, or to study a list over some time, Brene Brown has a list you can download here.
- Gentle Experimentation: Try to think of this like trying on different outfits, just to see how they feel. For example, trying a new hobby for a short time, volunteering for a cause that speaks to you, or joining a casual group. Try to focus on low commitment and high exploration. And if something doesn’t resonate, that’s great; it’s information guiding you elsewhere.
Throughout this process, cultivating self-compassion will also help so much. There will likely be moments of feeling lost, or unsure, and of grieving the years spent consumed by the eating disorder. This is all so normal, and I remember it so well. And there can also be deep joy in this unfolding. To connect with activities that genuinely nourish our soul, to discover strengths you didn’t know you had, to build an identity rooted in your true self…. I feel that all of this is the richness that recovery promises - a life lived with more authenticity, more joy, and a deeper connection to your wise mind self, who you truly are. A Self buried beneath everything we have picked up and created over the years to protect ourselves, to survive in the best way we knew how, and that we are now working to unlearn, to dust away.
Journaling Prompts:
- If you quiet your mind, can you recall any activities, interests, or dreams from before your eating disorder that brought you a sense of joy or excitement? List anything that comes to mind here.
- List three things you feel even a tiny spark of curiosity about. It could be anything – a topic, a skill, a place, an experience….
- Without the eating disorder’s rules or values, what deeper values do you feel drawn to as you think about yourself in your recovered life, and the life you dream of living?
- If you were to gently experiment with one small new thing this week, with no pressure for it to be perfect or the answer, what might that be?
With so much love and hope for your journey of discovery,
Support For Your Journey
If you feel you could use more support on your eating disorder recovery journey I would love to connect with you. Contact me to book a free video discovery call so that we can explore if working together would be a good fit. I would love to hear from you.
